The National Mammal

Reaction to the bison being named our national mammal has been underwhelming, to say the least.

Especially around these parts.

White folks up here don’t much care for the critters.

Some would even go so far as to say President Obama’s recent designation is simply part of a larger agenda to remove man -- the true national mammal -- from the land.

On the other hand, Native Americans in the area revere the bison and welcome its return. But then most of them are Democrats and probably even think favorably of Obama.

In this corner of the state that’s crazy talk.

Most of us are pretty well convinced that the President cares passionately about bison, but could give a damn about us. It’s how we suspect he was raised as an American-hating Muslim in a small village in deepest, darkest Africa.

The bison designation proves it.

We’d have been happy with the little brown bat as national mammal. Not that we care much for bats either, but we have ‘em in spades and kill them every chance we get. We’re unable to do that with bison. You can’t just whack them with a badminton racquet and toss them in the trash. Cap a bison -- even a small one -- and you’d better be a fast butcher or you’ll get caught.

I imagine the penalty for killing our national mammal will be steep indeed.

Had Obama given it a bit more thought perhaps he would have chosen the wolverine as our national mammal.

The rare carnivore has been spotted in the Gravelly Mountains, and one was killed recently in North Dakota by a ranch hand who saw it harassing cows.

This baddest-ass of all critters demands respect. It’s fearless, ferocious, and known to hold a grudge. But that’s beginning to sound a bit too much like Donald Trump. No wonder Obama never considered it.

Choosing an animal that lives in herds and is nearsighted was probably a much easier, if uninspired, choice.

Bison used to range all across the West and as far east as the Appalachian Mountains. They were hunted nearly to extinction. Same with elk, but elk don’t carry the same cachet as bison. No one ever thought to put the image of an elk on a coin.

Not even Obama.

There are rumors that the bison wasn’t even the President’s choice, that he was merely a puppet, and some nefarious band of tree-huggers actually made the decision.

Now that’s crazy talk.

Parker Heinlein is at

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