One Nation, Under God

Why the chicken didn't cross the road

I have a confession to make. During a recent vacation to the Bahamas, I ran over a chicken with my rental car and didn’t stop.

I feared the bird would be worth much more dead than alive, and besides, there wasn’t a house in sight.

It’s a good thing I didn’t run over the bird in Oregon. According to the Willamette Week, the Portland bike community is rallying to catch a man who allegedly killed a duck with his bicycle. The suspect, wearing red and white lycra, ran down the duck on his bike, then didn’t stop, despite the pleas of witnesses.

I suspect the cyclist either wasn’t riding a non-toxic bike or had failed to sign his federal duck stamp, both heinous crimes which would explain his flight.

Although wildlife officials say the killing of the duck doesn’t violate any local laws, the duck’s demise may fall under the “purview of the Federal Migratory Bird Act,” and therefore could involve the feds.

But I don’t think it was the feds that spurred the biker to keep pedaling. He didn’t want to face the rage of the witnesses that had seen the tragedy unfold.

A reader wrote, “I am certain the big deal is that the rider showed no sympathy to the folks who were clearly distressed. That alone was a reason to stop.”

Or not.

He may have simply wanted to avoid being berated by a crowd of hand-wringing, mallard mourners.

After all, what could he do?

The duck was dead.

Or just maybe, it was not an accident at all, but part of a larger conspiracy.

“This smells a lot like a complaint by an anti-bike person who is looking to get bikes removed,” a reader wrote.

Then again, it may have been nothing more than an accident. The biker was described as having white hair, a beard and mustache. If that’s not a disguise, then the biker sounds like an old dude who might not have known he even hit the bird. And if he was aware of what was happening, recovering from the impact without crashing might have been all he could manage.

Either way, officials with the local parks and recreation department would like to ask him some questions.

That’s why I didn’t stop. I didn’t want to find out that the chicken I ran over was part of a community flock that brought joy to the impoverished residents of Exuma, and would be difficult to replace.

Sometimes it’s just best to keep going.

Parker Heinlein is at

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