Still undefeated

I almost hit a deer this morning.

It’s a regular thing.

Like me, they’re usually on the move at first light.

They seldom catch me by surprise because I expect them to be on the road, but occasionally it takes a bit of fancy driving to miss them.

I’m apparently in the minority on that.

Instead of swerving or hitting the brakes, a lot of folks in Montana, just plow ahead, their trucks protected by armored bumpers that wouldn’t be out of place on the front of a freight train.

Cow catchers, they used to call them.

Now, grill guards are all the rage.

No more trips to the body shop. No more muleys in the radiator. There’s not even any reason to stop.

My Hutterite friends offered to build one for me. I politely turned them down, a decision I hope I don’t regret. But I figured that if I’ve gone this long without ever hitting a deer I’ll simply keep on truckin’.

I’ve come close plenty of times. And not just with deer. I used to live in Cooke City where a trip to town meant driving through Yellowstone National Park, dodging elk, moose and buffalo.

I did once hit a porcupine a few miles south of town along Soda Butte Creek, but that hardly counts. And I’ll have to admit that the handful of coyotes I ran over back then weren’t accidents.

I’d like to think it’s not all luck, that driving skill, and paying close attention also played a part, but that’s asking for it. There’s a good chance I’ll plow through a herd of deer before this column ever sees print, totaling my truck, and ruining my perfect record.

A month ago, driving home in the dark from Fort Peck Theatre, there were so many deer on the road I locked up the brakes a couple of times before finally slowing down.

Reducing speed usually works, although my attention lags. I prefer not to slow down, relying instead on seat-of-my-pants driving skills which both terrify me and keep me awake.

I suppose it’s only a matter of time before I collide with something bigger than a porcupine, and wish I’d taken the Hutterites up on their offer. But I’ve got no interest in a cow catcher on my little truck. Besides, I’ve got insurance.

And it’s not so much the deer that I fear. They’re easy to see. It’s black cows in the dark that keep me awake. They’re harder to miss.

Parker Heinlein is at [email protected].