I've eaten dog food before

My dog Spot isn’t as sharp as she once was.

Neither am I.

We’re both well past our prime, sleep a lot and are easily confused. Both of us are going deaf and tend to wander aimlessly around the yard.

It’s a good thing the yard is fenced.

Spot celebrated her 12th birthday July 4. I doubt she’ll see many more.

But in the meantime she’s comfortable thanks to a drug I’ve started giving her to help ease her arthritis pain.

Now I see there’s a dog food on the market to help keep her thinking clearly. Bright Mind is enhanced with botanical oils that Purina claims provide an efficient fuel source for the brain in dogs age 7 and older. It’s supposed to help dogs think more like they did when they were younger.

I like the sound of that. Not so much for Spot -- whose thinking was a bit scatterbrained when she was young -- as for me.

I’ve eaten dog food before. When I was a kid, my friend John Faith and I used to occasionally snack on the kibble he fed his dog Mitzi. As I recall it wasn’t bad, tasted a bit like dry cereal.

It certainly wasn’t any worse than quinoa or kale.

And I’d sure like to think more like I did when I was younger.

So Spot and I are going to try a bag.

What could go wrong?

At worst, she’d jump the fence and get into the neighbor’s garbage, and I’d be arrested for reckless driving and bothering high school girls.

At best, she’d be able to hunt again, and I’d be arrested for reckless driving and bothering high school girls.

I don’t see a downside to this.

Spot’s so old that by the time any side effects kick in she’ll probably be gone. Other than having breath that reeks of dog food, I see no problems for myself.

Any adverse side effects will surely be addressed in a class action lawsuit: “If you or anyone you know has suffered from an extended period of whining and scratching after eating Bright Mind dog food please contact the fine folks at Hookem and Landem law firm ...”

Hopefully Spot will be able to spend her twilight years pain free and clear-headed. I can only hope for the same.

But in the meantime we’ll both wander aimlessly around the yard, munching kibble and looking for a way out.

Parker Heinlein is at [email protected]