Ads in Yellowstone, 'Just do it!'

Yellowstone Park has fallen on hard times.

Apparently entrance fees from the thousands of tourists visiting the world’s oldest national park each day aren’t bringing in enough cash to pay for fixing the roads and hiring Mandarin-speaking rangers.

But there’s an easy solution to Yellowstone’s money woes. Get all corporate up in there. Sell some advertising. Find free-market sponsors for all that nature stuff they got going on.

Can you imagine the bidding war for advertising rights at Old Faithful if the makers of erectile dysfunction drugs got involved?

Forget fixing potholes. That account alone would pay for a park-wide monorail system.

What major corporation wouldn’t want to be associated with the park’s wonders? Bison emblazoned with the Nike swoosh would remind park visitors to “just do it.” The Gateway Arch could easily be reconfigured into a pair of golden arches, and Jacuzzi-sponsored thermal features are a no-brainer.

There is a precedent. People complained years ago when the Sugar Bowl became the USF&G Sugar Bowl, but the lackluster style of football played there remained the same. Commercializing Yellowstone will only change the look of the park, not its heart.

A Starbucks banner hanging from Fishing Bridge won’t hurt the fishing. You can’t fish there anyway.

A mural painted on the rocks at Icebox Canyon advertising the next Toyotathon might meet some opposition at first, but tourists in need of a new car would appreciate the heads-up.

Wi-fi hotspots, sponsored by Apple, would be readily avail-able throughout the park for the growing number of visitors who prefer to stare at their phones. The old Christmas store at Mammoth closed a few years ago. Why not re-place it with an Apple store?

It’s probably too late to cash in on this election year, but what candidate wouldn’t want to advertise in the park? Forget Make America Great Again. How about making the road through Swan Lake Flats great again.

Although the big money would come from corporate advertisers, there’s enough Yellowstone for everybody, even the locals. Belgrade Tire may want to sponsor a scenic turn-out. Dan Bailey’s in Livingston might benefit from advertising on Soda Butte Creek, and Gardiner’s Corral Drive-in would certainly see an increase in sales of their elk burgers if they advertised on actual elk.

Tacky?

Sure, but we’ll get over it.

We certainly don’t want to pay to fix the roads and hire Mandarin-speaking rangers out of our own pockets.

Parker Heinlein is at

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