Just when I think I'm out... they pull me back in

I thought I was immune, but apparently, I still need help.

I no longer paid much attention to those lists of The Prettiest Mountain Towns in America, or The Safest Places to find your Post-apocalypse Dream Home or even The Most Dog-friendly Towns in America.

It was all just click bait and I bit because there was usually a Montana town on the list, and I’m a sucker for Montana towns. Eventually, however, the lists became so generic that nearly every town in the state was included somewhere.

Bozeman topped a list of mid-size towns offering big-city traffic woes along with the best in outdoor recreation. Billings made a list of cities providing the worst snow-removal in the country, and Havre made a list of places no one wants to move to.

It all became so nonsensical that I quit paying attention.

Then, while perusing the Web a few days ago I stumbled upon a list of the states with the best free camping opportunities. I was sure Montana would be there. Curious what favorite camping spot of mine was about to be ruined, I took a peek at the list. Surprisingly, Montana wasn’t there.

Wyoming was.

Colorado was.

Even California was. Yeah, California.

But not Montana.

At first, I was a bit offended. I took the omission as a slight. After all, I’ve camped for free in some of the most spectacular country in the world and to the best of my knowledge, it was Montana.

The Internet, however, is nothing if not the bastion of truth, so I must have been mistaken. Memory has failed me before.

I suspect I once paid such a high price to camp that I couldn’t admit it, convincing myself instead, that my comfort came free of charge.

After a bit of soul-searching, it’s time to come clean about free camping, outdoor opportunities, and the prettiest little mountain towns in the West.

Go somewhere else.

Free camping, like a free lunch, simply doesn’t exist in Montana. You’ll always pay a price, although it may be in mud or mosquitoes.

Outdoor opportunities — limited in Montana — are more plentiful in Wyoming, and the most picturesque little towns are nestled high in the Sierras, not the Beartooths.

Now if I could only stop sharing those sites that prove I love my children and Jesus, and support the president, I’d feel like I was really getting a handle on this Internet thing.

Parker Heinlein is at [email protected].